How did I get the inspiration to revive this sorry excuse of a blog?
The sweet sweet soul that is Andra Day, who sang into my heart with her song “Rise Up”.
These two things hit me like a bus and the universe forced me to pay attention.
I can’t seem to get away from this theme of rising up. It keeps reoccurring in my life and I felt like I needed to personally address it. Because sometimes I need to speak into the void of the internet to feel heard (even by myself).
It’s always been hard for me to accept feelings of defeat and depression. I usually push them away and label them as wasted emotions. Just a really fucked up thing when you think about it.
It wasn’t until one Sunday night, when I was crying in the car, that I realized I needed to find a way to Rise Up.
Now this wasn’t the “get up, wipe the dirt, off and keep on going” type of Rise Up. It was the “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” mentality.
You know that scene in Forrest Gump where Jenny looks at herself in the mirror and just doesn’t recognize herself anymore. She goes outside and stands on the balcony and takes in a moment of impulse, contemplates taking the leap. And then something (the Universe, God, Fate, etc.) causes her to slip and she realizes her life is getting way more out of control than she thought. All the while “Free Bird” is playing in the background and it really just lets the anxiety take over.
Well that Sunday night, I was in the car and “Free Bird” came on. I was having my Jenny Moment. It wasn’t fueled by Cocaine and dangerous life choice, but it was the signal for me to accept my defeat and my depression and my anxiety.
I didn’t have a Forrest Gump to run back to, but I did have a supportive family and amazing friends. And I also decided to utilize therapy for the first time in my life.
After 4 weeks of appointments, my campus psychological services gave me a place to open up and talk about what I’m going through. I’m learning about ways to manage my anxiety and I am actively trying not to get overwhelmed by the stress of college.
It’s definitely a process, but I’ve realized that self-care is extremely important.
Rising up has been the theme of this shitty year. And I’m embracing it until the very end. Even my beloved college basketball team had their year of redemption.
I want to wrap this up because otherwise I could turn this into something with enough pages to be a Stephen King novel. Basically, I’m on the up, but I’m aware of the possibility of failure. And I think that’s the most important thing.
I’m hoping that I can keep up the motivation to update this blog, mostly for myself.
Thank you internet and Universe for listening to me.